It's True

I never expected it. I mean, like everyone of my generation, I tried everything. Transcendatal meditation, which led to loud snoring. Scry gazing, during which I learned that it was time to start waxing my brows. High altitude sunbathing on granite surfaces to remove all wordly distractions, which was probably the best nap I ever had, except for the hideous sunburn. Catholic mass, til they played the Star Spangled Banner as a hymn. Past life regression, um, see snoring and naps above. Pychoanalysis, but I DO love my mother.

The purpose of all this was to determine the purpose for which I have been placed upon this beautiful blue orb. But like a good Zen buddhist being smacked with a pole by the master, it took an actual real life experience for me to finally get it. Today was the day of reckoning. No, I wasn't Joan of Arc in a past life. No, I'm not here to enlighten the world as to the true meaning of life, write the great american novel, perfect the new goat cheese cheesecake recipe. No, I'm not here to follow the path that God has laid out for me.

I am here to change the toilet paper roll. That's it. The die was cast the day I was born, and I can't believe how long it has taken me to figure it out. In every office I've occupied, in every home in which I've resided, and in every gym in which I've sweated away the hours, I appear to be the only person who knows how to change the toilet paper.

My favorite is the person who leaves the two squares on the roll, just so they won't have to actually remove that cardboard tube. Two squares? Honestly. I mean you can't even blow your nose on two squares of toilet paper.

Having finally discovered my true destiny, I am content at last. I really consider it quite an honor to have such a humble service as my life task. So, when you come visit, don't fret your little head. Use it up! Or leave only the part glued to the cardboard. I'm coming behind you. I'll take care of it.